Learning to Love this Moment

Wow, it’s been a long time since I even touched this thing. Well, I’m back, spilling my beans. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping. Going through a break-up is really hard. Why is it things that are a part of life so tough? It’s the loneliest process I’ve ever experienced. Maybe because it was my first…what everything?! I think it’s the failure of trying and embarrassment of being played like a dog. Being treated like crap by someone who once treated you like a queen is mind blowing sometimes. You go through these crazy emotions but the strongest one is sadness. The best one is acceptance.

As I spent the afternoon with a friend of mine, who happened to be a male, I was able to really vent and got an interesting prospective of how to move forward. Forgiveness is soo needed to heal. I imagine carrying this kind of pain is destructive. I see women all the time just angry, so thirsty for a man they will do anything then end up bitter. I just can’t do it. It’s not me nor will it ever be. I don’t have a desire to befriend everyone I meet, but I am in search of a deeper connection. I don’t know what my future holds but it’s going to be good. I know I’m not a bad person just a 26 year old lady with some flaws.

Being alone shows you what you have done to get here. I see things from such a different perspective it isn’t even funny. I think I’m going to be even better for the next man or who knows maybe the original?! Only God knows, when He tells me to make a move, I’ll move. For now, I’m forgiving him out of love and obedience from the Lord. I’m in a peaceful place where I think joy fills my soul. Yeah, you know what? I’m am happy because I did what I was told to do and all things do work out for the best.

Peace and Love,
Rest in Peace 3rd Fetus…
Till Next Time
-Mackleen

Who is doing this?

I knew a man; this man was an interesting man. He told me he grew up in Queens, NY. I met him sitting with a group of friends having drinks. Being a lightweight and knowing I had to drive, I tried my best to just sip. He was staying at a hotel not to far away from the bar.

This man was not the most attractive man but to say the least, he was an interesting one. What caught my attention was him telling me he would never date, marry or take a Black girl seriously. Being a “Black girl” I just looked at him. Was I sipping too fast? I asked him why and he talked about his childhood. His mother. What I took away from the conversation was his mother pushing him and his brothers too hard. His sister (the only girl) ended up pregnant and his mother had to help raise his niece.

I sat there, sipping and wondering when this man was going to explain his reasons for staying away from the sistas. He never did. He finished saying his mother was especially hard on his father. So hard that his father left because he couldn’t take the pushiness and neediness of his mother. (His words not mine) His mother became bitter and his baby sister was also bitter. The two of them never did anything to uplift the men in their lives. They just complained and screamed.

He met his wife on a business trip. He showed me a picture of her. Blue eyes, blond hair, skin as soft and snowflake like, just beautiful. I complemented her and he rolled his eyes at me. He told me she was there for him, she never stressed him or pushed him like his mother did. When he came home, he came home to a quiet home. He was never bombarded by questions from a woman, instead greeted with kindness. When he went to bed, he felt successful, there was no one pushing him.

I took this all in and tried not to be judgmental. I kept quiet since he rolled his eyes at me. I needed to get home and told him goodnight. He asked if he could walk me to my car. I didn’t mind. When I got to my car he said he enjoyed talking to me. I winked and smiled. The less I said, the more I felt his thoughts go crazy.

When I got home, I was greeted my husband, “sup gorgeous.” As I got ready for bed I asked him if I was ever too hard on him. He said, “When you are stressed, but I can take it cause I’m a man.” My stress pushes him in a negative way. He explained that I get very independent when things get rough on me. My aggravation puts him in an uncomfortable place because his roll is supposed to provide. I push him into a place where he’s challenged even more because I’m not supportive and my attitude comes off as blame. Is this what this other man went through? Did he go through that kind of push? I thought all women did that maybe I was wrong?

I wished I could have changed the other guys mind. In order for me to do that, it would mean I’d have to change his past. My husband said he doesn’t think this guy hates all black women because he was nice enough to walk me to my car and speak to me. “Don’t take it personally,” he snuggled underneath me. How can I not? The numbers are stacked against “Black girls” and if a Black man tells me we are too hard I have to wonder. Are we too hard?

Get The Hell Back!

I’ve been breathing for 24 years and still find making new friends almost the scariest thing! I am so comfortable just sticking with people I’ve known from high school and below. After 12th grade people just became more and more odd.

In a communication class I took freshman year in college, I learned we attract people. Some people attract psychos, some attract abusive people and so on. I attract needy people who think they own me. It’s one thing to attract needy people, shoot, I’m needy, but to attract needy people you try to lock you down with a ball and chain, just isn’t my thing.

I have found myself almost becoming anti-social. I am so traumatized that there’s going to be a new member to the “I hate Mackleen” club. See, I don’t do being captured nor being anyone’s slave, punching bag, or pet of any sort. So what happens when the writer / poet finds her lovely self in this situation? I shut down. After anyone drains me to the point of no return, it’s a wrap! I find a hole called the ignore button on my phone, come down with the no return calls syndrome, and I take no medication for the ‘if I see you I will go the other way’ fever. In other words, I get real shady until I figure out what to do.

I sat in a church group once talking about my problem, a sweet woman (I thought would be a perfect friend but her issues were worse than mine!) said, “people are just not going to always like you. Whether you help them everyday or not.” Now I knew this, but I didn’t know that this was my life. She doesn’t know this but she saved me a George-Bush era $35 co-pay to see a doctor. I hate for anyone not to like me. I would say, “yes” even if it was an inconvenience. It never failed, as soon as I couldn’t do something, the membership went up at that club I mentioned earlier. Just like that, I would get a withdrawal from them and the relationship was over.

So…I came up with how to solve this problem, beat them to the punch! Shoot, I’m nice but not that nice! Had I figured this out sooner, I would have had a little more money in my pockets, less trips to the pharmacy and less alcohol assumption. The pastor said that same night, “People will send you to the grave.” This entire time I thought, isn’t this what God wants us to do? Treat people, as we would want to be treated. He looked at me and said, “You letting people control you has nothing to do with God, it’s you.” Me huh?

I don’t like being drained but I don’t like being disliked. If at the end of the day, what is more important is someone who isn’t going to take advantage of me then I am better off cutting ties those “haters”. When asked at their stupid club meeting why do you hate Mackleen so much? It’s going to be a constant repetition of, “she said I was draining her.”

*Wink*

Can You Train Your Mate?

Animal Planet has a lot of dog training shows. I watch them because I want to learn how to teach my dog, a Lab Mix, how to behave. When I was at the park one day, my dog, Diamond, was misbehaving. Whenever we are around people she forgets I exist and proceeds to jump on people. Lucky for me this time, the person who she was jumping on was a lady who trains dogs for shows.

She decided to give me tips on how to train dogs for shows. She complemented my dog by saying how pretty Diamond is. She looked at me up and down. Then she asked me if I was in a relationship. I said, yes I am. She told me training my dog would be like training my man. I had to raise my eyebrows at this one because I was always told that you couldn’t change a man. I told her that.

She smirked and said, “I didn’t say change your man, I said train him.”

She had to leave after that to take her daughter somewhere. I thought about this for the rest of the day. How could I experiment this on my man without insulting him? Do I slip him a treat whenever I thought he did something good? If that were the case, what would the treat be? My imagination went crazy as I plotted my next move. I even let myself be walked back to the car by Diamond. I got home and thought of ways to man-train my man. I found it impossible. My man didn’t jump on me whenever he came home, well at least not anymore. I would catch his eyes wandering however, but I didn’t have a leash to pull him back. What would be my leash and how could I provide him with treats? Let the training begin!

I wanted to go out to dinner. In this economy we have to budget when it comes to eating out. Gone were the days when we ate out three to four times a week. The most we had eating out was the Chinese restaurant that gave us one large plate to share. That was dining out for us. This time I wanted to be pampered and drive into the city to eat out. Test one. Direct eye contact, smile and speak clearly.

“Baby, let’s go out this weekend,” I said.

“What bills do we have to pay?”

That answer is a good answer because it’s not a direct no. I will give him praise. I reach over and nibble on the neck, that’s his favorite spot. He smiles. I tell him we’ll have to double check. Test two. We need to fix the curtains in the living room. I ask him to do it tonight, then I add in if he does I’ll make his favorite chocolate chip cookies and shake the bag in front of him. After weeks of asking, the curtains are put up and his treat is milk and cookies after dinner. He gets to eat them while watching the TV in the bedroom.

Saturday afternoon, my experiment continues. We are at the mall and we walk by a shoe store. My mouth waters. He suggests we go in and take a look at what they have for sale. I immediately see their winter boots under the sign “New Arrivals.” I pick up the knee-highs and feel the soft leather. I look at the bottom of the shoe and immediately put it back. I could only dream. The store clerk asked if I would like to try them on, but before I could say no, my mate tells her to bring them in my size. As she leaves, I ask him why. He says he wanted to see how sexy I would look in them. I agree. When the boots are brought out to me in a box, I see no one has even worn them. They are still wrapped in paper and plastic. While I’m trying them on, I hear him say his friend is having an all day football party tomorrow. I hear him but I’m getting high off the new boot smell. I put them on and look at my reflection. Perfect.

“You really like them?” he asks.

I nod my head with a big smile on. “I’d like to hang out all day with the guys tomorrow, I know we had plans but I really want to go. By the way, tell the girl to wrap up the boots for you. You get a treat.”

I was so excited about leaving with the new love of my life that I just jumped up and kissed him on the cheek. I whispered a “praise” of what he was going to get for the boots later. I ripped the boots off my feet and signaled to the girl to ring me up. We left the store and all I could think about was what I was going to wear with them. He then asked me if I minded if he bailed on couples day tomorrow. Before I could tell him how he promised Sundays were for us, a look at my right hand served as a reminder. The $169 boots were pulling me towards my reality. We never did agree to dinner and I couldn’t ask now. I frowned and said I didn’t mind. In the car he had the nerve to ask me was I cooking dinner. I nodded my head yes; I was the one that was trained!

As I spent my Sunday afternoon toying with fresh Nine West boots and various outfits to go with them, I thought about the lady at the park. I wanted to blame her for lame advice. When Diamond barked I realized she was sitting on the bed. She always sat on the bed. That would never change. My mate was never going to change, football and his friends were more appealing than couples day or listening to spoken word and having dinner at a restaurant. I couldn’t train him anymore than he could train me. My shiny new boots not only screamed this season’s new fashion but it screamed compromise. Diamond knew she would get treats if she did as she was told; that was a compromise. As long as I let her have fun, she would behave. That was our compromise.