Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

The secret of success is constancy to purpose. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

Learning to Love this Moment

Wow, it’s been a long time since I even touched this thing. Well, I’m back, spilling my beans. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping. Going through a break-up is really hard. Why is it things that are a part of life so tough? It’s the loneliest process I’ve ever experienced. Maybe because it was my first…what everything?! I think it’s the failure of trying and embarrassment of being played like a dog. Being treated like crap by someone who once treated you like a queen is mind blowing sometimes. You go through these crazy emotions but the strongest one is sadness. The best one is acceptance.

As I spent the afternoon with a friend of mine, who happened to be a male, I was able to really vent and got an interesting prospective of how to move forward. Forgiveness is soo needed to heal. I imagine carrying this kind of pain is destructive. I see women all the time just angry, so thirsty for a man they will do anything then end up bitter. I just can’t do it. It’s not me nor will it ever be. I don’t have a desire to befriend everyone I meet, but I am in search of a deeper connection. I don’t know what my future holds but it’s going to be good. I know I’m not a bad person just a 26 year old lady with some flaws.

Being alone shows you what you have done to get here. I see things from such a different perspective it isn’t even funny. I think I’m going to be even better for the next man or who knows maybe the original?! Only God knows, when He tells me to make a move, I’ll move. For now, I’m forgiving him out of love and obedience from the Lord. I’m in a peaceful place where I think joy fills my soul. Yeah, you know what? I’m am happy because I did what I was told to do and all things do work out for the best.

Peace and Love,
Rest in Peace 3rd Fetus…
Till Next Time
-Mackleen

New Years, Old Friendships

When it comes to friendships, the people who end them usualy feel as though they have been done wrong. I, as you should already know, don’t have the patience for nonsense. I am already not accepting applications for “new friends” and laying off current ones are always in the making. So what’s the problem?

I think, as people get older we get stuck in our ways. We get tired of putting up with people’s personalities, fed up with just accepting them for who they are and we don’t have the energy to accept their faults anymore. We are not in high school. In high school, eventually we will make up because we see each other everyday. We now have our own lives to live. So when someone pisses you off, and I don’t mean something silly like borrowing a hair dryer and never return it, I am talking about serious things. Talking down to you, constantly asking to borrow money, and simply put, crossing the line.

A good friend of mine has disrespected me more than one time. This last one was it for me. I don’t have the desire to go back to the way we were. Last year she took a shot at my spouse and my marriage. That was enough for me to hand her walking papers but some how we got past that and became friends again. This time it was my family. I can’t go back. I just can’t go back.

I’m not saying completely kill this person out of your life. My favorite saying is “you are dead to me,” but I can no longer allow this. We are on this earth temporarily. We don’t return to the Creator to show Him our credit scores, fancy cars or even a great body! We return with our souls. You think when God asks me what I did with my life I’m going to say, “I put up with your peoples crap!” He’ll tell me, I didn’t ask you to do that. It’s not fulfilling. Putting up with people’s bad attitudes is not fulfilling. As a matter of fact, it’s a waste of time to be miserable.

I’ll end this by saying, if you spend more time asking yourself why are you friends with this person, then cut your losses and move on. Do not fill my inbox saying I told you to cut them off for good; I am saying give yourself distance from this person and see what happens. If you get some kind of peace I suggest you keep it that way. Happy New Years folks!

Till Next Time,
-Mackleen

Who is doing this?

I knew a man; this man was an interesting man. He told me he grew up in Queens, NY. I met him sitting with a group of friends having drinks. Being a lightweight and knowing I had to drive, I tried my best to just sip. He was staying at a hotel not to far away from the bar.

This man was not the most attractive man but to say the least, he was an interesting one. What caught my attention was him telling me he would never date, marry or take a Black girl seriously. Being a “Black girl” I just looked at him. Was I sipping too fast? I asked him why and he talked about his childhood. His mother. What I took away from the conversation was his mother pushing him and his brothers too hard. His sister (the only girl) ended up pregnant and his mother had to help raise his niece.

I sat there, sipping and wondering when this man was going to explain his reasons for staying away from the sistas. He never did. He finished saying his mother was especially hard on his father. So hard that his father left because he couldn’t take the pushiness and neediness of his mother. (His words not mine) His mother became bitter and his baby sister was also bitter. The two of them never did anything to uplift the men in their lives. They just complained and screamed.

He met his wife on a business trip. He showed me a picture of her. Blue eyes, blond hair, skin as soft and snowflake like, just beautiful. I complemented her and he rolled his eyes at me. He told me she was there for him, she never stressed him or pushed him like his mother did. When he came home, he came home to a quiet home. He was never bombarded by questions from a woman, instead greeted with kindness. When he went to bed, he felt successful, there was no one pushing him.

I took this all in and tried not to be judgmental. I kept quiet since he rolled his eyes at me. I needed to get home and told him goodnight. He asked if he could walk me to my car. I didn’t mind. When I got to my car he said he enjoyed talking to me. I winked and smiled. The less I said, the more I felt his thoughts go crazy.

When I got home, I was greeted my husband, “sup gorgeous.” As I got ready for bed I asked him if I was ever too hard on him. He said, “When you are stressed, but I can take it cause I’m a man.” My stress pushes him in a negative way. He explained that I get very independent when things get rough on me. My aggravation puts him in an uncomfortable place because his roll is supposed to provide. I push him into a place where he’s challenged even more because I’m not supportive and my attitude comes off as blame. Is this what this other man went through? Did he go through that kind of push? I thought all women did that maybe I was wrong?

I wished I could have changed the other guys mind. In order for me to do that, it would mean I’d have to change his past. My husband said he doesn’t think this guy hates all black women because he was nice enough to walk me to my car and speak to me. “Don’t take it personally,” he snuggled underneath me. How can I not? The numbers are stacked against “Black girls” and if a Black man tells me we are too hard I have to wonder. Are we too hard?

When Your Lonely

Whenever I think of lonely people, the song, “All By My Self” by Eric Carmen comes to mind. What is it that really makes up lonely? I know a lot of people who are just fine by themselves, personally I like being alone for at least part of the day. I like my space but there are times when I’m lonely. I grew up basically an only child so I felt the loneliness since I was small. This feeling isn’t new to me. What is new is the re occurrence of this emotion. What is it in this world that makes this emotion so powerful?

We interact with people all day long but somehow in the mist of the day, we fade out from world into one where no one exist but yourself. Lonely city population one. How is a person to concur this?

I had a conversation with a new friend. I thought this person was just going to drop something off and go but they were there for hours. I didn’t mind because I wasn’t in a rush to get back to writing but I remembered something my mom told me. She always said, don’t mind people who like to be in your company, they are just a little lonely. She went on to say, it’s ok to dedicate your time to lonely people because you never know when that’s going to be you.

As you all should know by now, I have people trusting issues. I don’t even like making new friends! Somehow I always find myself in the company of interesting people. I must have a welcome mat on my forehead. My point is whenever people are in their lonely season I want you to understand it’s just a passing moment. There will be more and just like the last one, it too shall pass. It will pass as long as you let it. I think sometimes when we get so caught up in being lonely that we almost in some ways make sure we stay that way. We latch on to the wrong people to fill that void when in fact it’s your lonely season. Let it pass and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
When I say vulnerable, I don’t mean become friends with anyone. I mean put yourself in the right circle. Be who you are in the right place and that loneliness will pass. Clinging on to whoever comes along be it, physically, sexually or in some cases over the internet is not going to make it go away. Being lonely doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It’s a mental state and an emotion. It will pass but don’t force it.

Someone told me that fact that I’m afraid of planes means I’m not a real Christian because I shouldn’t be afraid to die. No fool, it means I don’t like the thought of plunging to my death. I’d rather be sleeping then waking up on a cloud next to Jesus. They were right about me thinking of the extreme. I have better chances dying going to the grocery store than on a plane. The same goes for loneliness. When you are in the same state, do not think of the extreme. Sometimes we need to focus on what’s in front of us and live through that season. Even ifs it’s just for a moment.

We couldn’t be enemies…

I find it interesting when people you haven’t spoken to in years because of a conflict you both can barely remember resurface. Sometimes, one party is over it and has completely moved on. Sometimes both parties have moved on. Then there is that party that just won’t let go.

Here is the thing. If at one point in time there was a friendship and a ripple in the world has cause you to cross paths again, why not bury the hatchet? Why try and push their buttons, especially, if it’s been that long? What if the last words you said to this person were the last words they heard then they passed, how would you feel?

I made a vow to myself a long time ago. I would never make old friends my enemies, especially if you didn’t kill my mother or put her in any harm. You do something to my mom, yeah we are enemies, if not, I couldn’t be. We all have people who don’t necessarily like us, but I think it bothers us more when the person who used to like us doesn’t anymore. Many times we blow them off by saying forget them or they were reason, season and even holiday people. But what are we really saying? Go to hell? Don’t make a hypocrite of yourself when lost friends resurface. As the days are long and the life is short, don’t let a grudge misjudge what you can later regret.